Yay!

Ewww, test tube babies are soooooo 70’s.  With all their donor eggs, donor sperm, nutrition solutions, tube growth, surrogate implantation (boooo!!!!).  This is a drive-thru, microwave only, speed of light, 100 decibel, 24-hour shopping, pre-emptive strike society we live in and dammit we want babies to match!

Welcome to 2009:  scientists have created male sperm using embryonic stem cells.  Created.  Sperm. Not cloned.  And those little jiggly suckers work like the real thing!  You know Darwin is in a heavenly bathroom stall beating his meat to this news.  God, however, now pissed at both Darwin & the smart-ass-playing-with-his-creation scientists, plots His next deadly plague.  Muy interesante!

I kid I kid…God doesn’t get pissed: he gets even!  No, but serious business, maybe this is God’s answer to AIDS (or cancer, or driving while black, or any other unnatural cause of death).  Almost 30 years of AIDS research and humans are no more committed to consistent condom use than we are close to finding a cure so I’m sure He figures He has to step in somewhere.  I could debate the various blessings/curses of this situation for days, but let’s just cut to the good stuff. Like…

Nay!

…how long will it take desperate groupies to figure out that they can get pregnant by Bob the Baller, actually have the abortion & then team up with a mad scientist to create her own league of baby ballers (Child Support will never be the same)

…how long will it be before some married couple decide to divorce, but are parents to a child produced via this magic sperm, & the father refuses to pay child support because Billy Jean was not his lover the child isn’t technically his AND he now wants the child taken away from the mother since she’s barren and he thinks that was God’s way of warning him that she was useless (Divorce Court will never be the same…)

…how long will it take before rappers realize they no longer have to fuck every girl in the world to be a baby-daddy to every girl in the world (Orgies will never be the same…)

…how long will it take before some powerful world leader creates a disease to kill off most of the human race only to replace them with…
Never mind, my imagination is heading into Aeon Flux territory (kill me, I liked it!)

So, be still your hearts, my darling Trans-sexuals, for your parental revolution yet awaits but for another moment doth thru yon window breaks where for art thou Argetina!

Eh!

*Sorry about that last bit, but not really…my mind tends to wander & it greatly amuses me to follow aimlessly.  Hope you read it over & over and got a headache trying to make sense out of it!

Ladies, I think that it’s time to have a male to female talk.  Have a seat.

Want something to drink?  No?  Ok, well, let me get right into it.

I want to understand why a female does certain things.  Like, say for instance, dump the guy that you know is good for you for the “jerk” who only wants your bedroom face, then get surprised when the “jerk” leaves you.

Then go running back to the guy you left.

It’s a common problem I see with women almost daily.  Mr. S.O.B. floats your boat.  You like him.  You assume he likes you.  But he does things that really irritates you and makes you think that a relationship with him won’t work.  So you start dating other people (while still giving him daily rides on the rollercoaster).  You find a guy, a really nice guy, we’ll call him… Mr. Nice Guy.  You like him, and he likes you.  You spend more and more time with Mr. NG (while start closing down your rollercoaster ride for Mr. S.O.B.) until that date where Mr. NG wants to take it a step further.

Now, all of a sudden, you have to think about it.

So, you go and see if Mr. S.O.B. still floats your boat and rings your bell.  He does.  You go back and tell Mr. NG that while you’re flattered that he would think about settling down with you, you don’t feel it’s right because you still have feelings for Mr. S.O.B.

Fast forward 2 months.

Now, Mr. S.O.B. is truly being an S.O.B.  He tires of you too quickly, and finally dumps you.  You, after careful consideration and alone time, decide to be with Mr. NG.  you go to him and tell him that you made a terrible mistake and that you would like to try a relationship with him.

Stop the tape.

Let me be REAL honest, because that is what you want correct?  (Nod your head)  You don’t want Mr. NG.

Not now, not ever.

Reason?  Mr. NG is your second choice.  Not only that, he KNOWS that he’s your second choice.  Any guy that will accept being second is one you do NOT want to be with.  Also, you’re going to be really salty at the fact that you had to “settle”, even though you know you’re with the better man.  That man will pickup on the resentment you have towards him because he knows that he wasn’t your first choice.  Subconsciously, you’re treating him a lot different than what you would have if you had not known what Mr. S.O.B. was all about in the first place.

Women don’t like being at the bottom of the scrotum pole, so why do it to men?  The kind of women that I date say they had better come first, otherwise, it’s going to be some problems.  I’m not going to date a woman knowing good and full well there’s someone out there that I’ll leave her for in a heartbeat.  But women will.

And the men accept it.

I’ve said this before, and I will always say this:  I will not settle for second place.  I am first chair, I am the President, I am the top seed, I am number 1, 2, 3, 4, AND 5.  No one (that you would date) will come before me.

Those that settle for second place are just the first losers.  I don’t settle.  And I don’t want a woman “settling” for me.

So ladies, why do you do it?  Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Also feel free to follow She Hate Me on his blog at Blogs of The Invisible Soul

I hear women of all different ages and ethnicities say all the time that it’s hard to find a good man and I must disagree with this sentiment.  I know for a fact that there are plenty of good men out there.  My father is one, my brother is one, my hubby is one and I have met some recently that have all the makings of a good man.  The problem as proposed to me by She Hate Me is that women find all the qualities they want in a mate, plus some but yet they will look him over and automatically throw him into The Friend Zone.

We all know about the dreaded FZ.  A dude will hang around you, listen to your endless rants and raves about your current man, take you out as if he is actually dating you; yet he will be left with nothing but fantasies of the two of you holding hands, falling in love, fucking or whatever he intends to do with you.

This was a pretty tough question for me to answer because I had to be honest with myself.  As a woman, I am guilty of throwing dudes into the FZ but I believe that this was done so after careful consideration.  Some women will use it to their advantage if they know a guy is feeling them.  They may try to use them or they may be totally unaware. They may be seeking that thrill in the so-called bad boy.  Some women just need a challenge.  Men aren’t the only ones that find discontent at being too available.

But me, I’m different.  I enjoy the company of men. I like being around them, I like the comfort I feel when around them.  They aren’t as hard to please as women, not as judgmental, you get to see the world from a different set of eyes and you are always bound to learn something new.  But at the same time I have always been boy crazy.  Even my mom knew it.  When my grades slipped a little bit in junior high, she scolded me by shouting, “If you weren’t so worried about those stupid boys, your grades would be better!”  So I can honestly say that I have had my fair share of boy friends and boyfriends.

For me, there’s a pretty thin line between letting a dude cross over into my threshold or forever holding him contempt in the boundaries of being BFF and there are two main reasons why:

One is the lack of attraction:

A really good friend of mine ended up in the friend zone and remained there until the untimely demise of our friendship nearly 5 years ago.  When I met him, we were 10 years old and we were at a party playing spin the bottle.  I spinned, the bottle pointed at him and immediately I thought “No way.”  At the age of 10 I knew that I was not attracted to him at all.  We became close friends immediately, so close that he was part of our family.  We went through junior high and high school sharing classes and even having to be separated in our classes because we couldn’t stop talking and laughing.  Everyone always swore up and down that we were dating or that we liked each other.  And I’ll admit that everything we did qualified as dating and being in a relationship.  We talked on the phone for hours on end and when we weren’t on the phone we were always in each others presence – going to the football games, the movies, sitting at the house drinking or hanging out with this friends, going to the club, etc.  When we got to college, my boyfriends never liked him.  They thought we spent too much time together but I didn’t care what they thought of him.  He was my best friend and there was no way I was going to cut him loose for them.  During our sophomore year of college, he went back home but we still talked all the time.

Then it happened – the confession.  He mailed me a Valentine’s Day card in which he declared all the feelings for me that he had tucked away after nearly a decade.  We didn’t really talk about what exactly was in the card.  I think he pretty much knew what the situation was.  So our friendship continued unharmed until I got married and got pregnant.

The funny thing is that years after he admitted everything I would often ask myself why I wasn’t into him.  I felt as though he was so perfect but that one thing was missing.  Although it’s not the most important quality to me, the power of attraction is strong and can not be ignored.

I believe that he is the only one who failed to crossover for that reason though.  I’ll give a dude a chance as long as he doesn’t blow it in the first 5 minutes of us meeting each other.  You do know that most women know in the first 5 minutes whether or not they can fuck with you, yes?

That being said, most others fell into the category of bad timing:

So me and ‘Taurus’ had been friends all throughout high school.  He would walk me to and from classes, we would talk on the phone occasionally, he would give me compliments all the time and he was just all around cool.  Then we ended up going to the same college.  But for me, college was a completely different ballgame.  There are dudes from everywhere and not just your neighborhood and it was like the ultimate high for me.  One of the first dudes I started liking stayed in the same dorm as Taurus.  So one day when Taurus invited me up to his room to chill, I unknowingly made the mistake of asking him to take me to my new crush’s room (it was an all male dorm and you couldn’t walk around unaccompanied).  I guess this was his breaking point.  He said to me “What the fuck do I look like taking you to see some other dude and I’m trying to get with you?”  At this point it honestly had not occurred to me that he was feeling me.  I think for me, I was just far too busy looking at all the other dudes that were out there to really take notice.  So while me and Taurus didn’t hook up right away, we did spend about 5 years in an on again, off again sort of relationship.  So for me and him, and most others, it was all about timing.

So that’s my take on The Friend Zone.  And it also has me wondering…

What makes a dude put a chick in the FZ?  People always argue that men and women can be strictly friends so I’m really curious to know what the process is like….

old school players to new school fools, ‘kast keep it jumpin like kangaroos but skew it on the bar-b we aint tryin to lose, say ill be god dammit they done changed the rules (Skew It on the Bar-B, Outkast)

That’s exactly what came to mind when I realized that although my county of residence can claim victory in local student’s recent achievements on standardized testing, I live in the metropolitan area of a city with the U.S.’s second highest crime rating, and a state where high school graduation rates are among the worst in the nation.

Whether you called it ITBS as a child or CRCT as a parent, standardized testing is a major component of our educational system.  The fact that funding, supplies, and teacher qualifications, however, are not nationally standardized won’t be addressed in this post (due to likelihood of digression). Test results indicating gains in improvement, small or large, are met with resounding applause for teachers and students alike:

The improvements are a testimony to teachers and students who “are embracing the rigor and are making tremendous progress,” state School Superintendent Kathy Cox said.

This is great news, especially after last year’s shenanigans: area children scored so poorly that Cox actually threw out 6th/7th grade social studies results, with the excuse that the standardized testing questions weren’t accounted for in Georgia curriculum.  Hmmm, makes me wonder who was responsible for making sure Georgia’s curriculum was on par for test preparation…but, I digress.  Last year, 41% of 8th graders failed the social studies portion. So, Cox had the curriculum changed to better prep the students and wa-la: it worked.  Kinda.  This year, 37% of 8th graders failed the social studies portion.

According to the Atlanta-Journal Constitution (an actual printed newspaper, imagine that!):

The Georgia Department of Education provided classroom teachers with more lessons plans and other instructional aides during the school year.

Now some are wondering if that’s all classroom teachers were provided.  Apparently, Georgia performed a little “too well” and now 4 schools are being investigated for CRCT cheating.  The cause for suspicion: students that failed the math portion were required to re-test for passage to the next grade, and guess what?  They actually did better than they did the 1st time around.  No parades, no pizza parties, no shiny pencils with gold stars touting “Congratulations!”.  Instead, officials are attempting to prove cheating based on the number of erasure marks.  WTF?! Kids+paper+pencils = erasure marks. (*ahem, gaining composure).

The n*gga numerator:

The preliminary results of the audit by the Office of Student Achievement shows the schools had lax security during administration of the tests and the students had unqualified educators teaching their summer school classes.

PLEASE tell me you caught that: all four schools have lax security and unqualified educators.  If you had to guess, what would you say is the racial majority of these schools in question?  Lax security & unqualified teachers tend to exist where there is a lack of funding, lack of funding exists in neighborhoods with low property values, people occupying property with low values tend to be…you know the rest.  We rise up…you this part too.

The investigation into any wrongdoing continues.  No announcement yet on any investigation as to why the schools were not adequately prepared prior to the testing…

TEACHER: So, class, what did we learn today?

CLASS: (singing in unison) If we don’t like test results, we throw them out! If you want us to succeed, throw some cash around!  If you really want student success, provide us with the VERY best!

TEACHER: Very good!!! (Now, can someone let me borrow their MARTA card?)

next: high school graduation rates and crime stats

…is that you have to use it.

I was in Publix one day with my 3-year old doing some wifey shit – grocery shopping and whatnot.  I already don’t like doing this activity.  Who wants to troll aisle after aisle only to get to the checkout line, spend an astronomical amount of money and only have about two days worth of food to show for it??  And when baby girl is with me, we have to move swiftly or else she will become the wild child and begin spazzing out.

So on this particular trip we are standing near the seafood department scoping out some succulent shrimp, then I look up and I see her.  I look quickly away (fucked up, right?) but then she’s coming straight towards us…

Her:  (gasp) Hey girl, how have you been? (runs over and gives me a hug)

Me:  Hey girl, long time no see (the fuck did I say that for?)!

Her: Yeah girl, I know (sad, puppy dog eyes)

She has that look in her eye like she wants to drill me with questions and spill her guts about all the emotions that have consumed her.  I try to fight it off, not because I don’t care but simply because it’s uncomfortable.

See, she is the girlfriend of someone that I know very well and I met her a little while after they started dating.  We hung out a few times in a group setting but never truly became friends; never went out alone or talked on the phone or anything.  At any rate, I know that this dude is no good as a boyfriend because at the time of me writing this, this is the 3^rd chick I’ve met within the past 2 years, which isn’t bad per say.  But this is the 2^nd one that I have had to console and it is extremely uncomfortable.  Is he cheating on her? Yes.  Should she leave him alone?  Yes.  Do I feel it is my place to tell her all this?  No.

She leads off with asking how my Mother’ Day was and then she starts asking a few strange questions like, “What is it like being a mother?”, “Do you like being a mother?”  I give her the side-eye wondering if she’s about to tell me she’s preggie.  But thank God she’s not.  The bad boyfriend does not need another baby, or another baby’s momma.

She walks with me around the store telling me that she went through his phone (which I told her not to do months ago) and that she found some questionable pictures and text messages.  I say nothing and keep walking while I am STILL trying to shop and while I am now trying to keep up with baby girl who has made her way out of the basket and is running down the aisle like a runaway slave.  She thinks that he is cheating with the baby moms, which is what prompted her to ask me the motherhood questions.  She thought maybe there was some sort of unbroken bond there.  But he’s not cheating with the baby moms.  I know that for a fact.  Then she asks me about another chick who he’s always on the phone with.  I lied and told her I don’t know much about her.  But yes, this is one of the chicks he is cheating with.  Her eyes are searching and I can see it, but still it’s not my place.  She continues by saying how much she loves him and wants to build a life with him.  Now I have the sad look in my eye and mainly because I’ve been where she is.  She’s young, beautiful, has goals in her life that she is working towards and she’s attached to a man who could give two shits about her.

I give her the most effective advice that I can give:

“It has been my experience that when I have ever felt as if a dude was cheating on me or lying to me that chances are he was.  You know what you need to do; it’s just hard to do it.”

Good advice, right?  I think it is.  I’m sure she read between the lines.  She already knows I wouldn’t say anything specific to her.  Then she hints at the fact that she doesn’t have many female friends because he ran them all away, none of them like him.  She’s hinting at us hanging out and becoming friends.  And under different circumstances, I would.  But not while she’s with him.  I don’t want to get caught up in that.  I’ve been there before.  The ‘friendship’ will become nothing more than a vent-fest and interrogations about him.  I can’t do it.

So at the end of this conversation she is still confused and doesn’t know what to do.  I told her to stop thinking about him and focus on herself because nothing can get you off track more than being heartbroken.

Are they still together now?  Yes.

So why is it so hard for us as women to go with what we already know?  I mean, if you have stopped me in the grocery store and talked to me for an hour about your cheating boyfriend then there’s a problem.  If you feel the need to go searching through phones and emails, there is a problem.  If you are more unhappy than happy, there is a problem.

And that also leads me to question whether or not males have a certain sort of intuition.  I always hear a lot of dudes say that women are better at cheating than men because they never get caught.  So is it just that they don’t expect their woman to cheat or do they just really not know???

Teresa Guidice, 2nd from left

As a fan of all “sweet-tooth cute” things for little girls, I was overly excited when I saw the blurb announcing a new line by Teresa Guidice (the New Jersey Housewife with 3 cute lil girls).   True:  she overkills their outfits with accessories & oversized flower-power headbands, but I held out hope that she would have some  pieces that could be really cute if not worn all at the same time. Expecting ruffly pink, yellow and purple Swarovski covered polka dots and stripes, I clicked the link, waited to behold the next toddler Fashion Revolution.

I was in NO way prepared for what my baby browns were about to behold:

Aneurysm inducing fonts: CHECK!; Medusa wig piece: CHECK!; A cakey-faced-overly-eye lined picture of Teresa: CHECK!; Menu titles that scream “really, really now, is this the best we can do?”: CHECK!

My eyes, overcome by such unexpected fugliness and risking full onset of sudden blindness, began to squint in revolt and I was forced to view the rest of the site via the bottom 1/2 of my right eye.  So here, just for you, my

Right Eye Report:

“Bow-tique” Gallery: here, you’ll find the flowers that time ripped from your grandmother’s fake windowsill display, adorned with the either faux bear-rug fur or the faux stones missing from your Jem! doll.  You’ll also discover bows demonstrating what Teresa did with last year’s X-rated Flintstone costume collection.

“Bling-bling” Gallery:  I squinted a little harder in preparation and thank fat Jesus I did for only He had the power to keep me from choking to death via mid-throat coffee.  The glowing aura that emanated from my screen must have been caused by the toxic, recalled, made-in-China paint with which the bling is completely covered (under it, pliable concrete).  I’ve seen toys from quarter machines  and birthday party gift bags in the hood with better swag than this.

“FAB-fashion” Gallery: Don’t let those little words fool you.  Neither fab nor fashion lives here. More importantly: the Right Eye spies a swagger jacking of Kimora’s Fabulosity empire. SMACKDOWN BITCHES!  Since Kimora is cooling it in new-baby mode, she’ll probably send in Aoki to wipe-up this H.A.M.  Shouldn’t take long to destroy eight t-shirts…

“FAB-caps” Gallery: As a stilettos-everyday-no-matter-what type, I know that “fab” and “caps” neverevereverevereverever belong in a sentence together, unless you’re talking about opposites.  So, in this case, it is correctly used: the caps are the opposite of fab.  By now, I’m just pissed that I watched her spend $40k+ on 2 pieces of furniture and have seen $0 or any effort spent on this “Fukulicious” atrocity.

As I cursed myself for possible permanent damage caused to my retinas , I realized that this project must mean something really special to her. Craving clarification (read: to confirm that this was not an elaborate hoax), I clicked the “About Us” link.  The look on these faces explain everything! Those are the faces of kids that sleep with one eye open, you know she’s sneaking in at 3:00 a.m. to touch-up their SleepyTime LipGloss and re-adjust them into the fetal position, which every proper nutcase mother knows is the only proper sleeping position!!!

I used to have a running joke with this girl I worked with.  One day she asked me how sex after marriage was.  I told her it’s the same because it’s always going to be what you make it.  If you were having great sex before marriage, then a wedding band a marriage certificate should not change that. Then she asked me if there were ever any times when I just didn’t want to have sex.

*crickets*

My reply – “I’m always ready.”

Seriously, always.  I could have a headache, the flu, be on my deathbed… it doesn’t matter.  I’m always ready to go.

And it’s mainly because I love the shit out of my hubby, I love to have sex and the sex is incredible. But in general, I just absolutely adore men.  I love everything about them – the way they walk, talk, smell, drive…just everything.  I check them out and fantasize about them much in the same way men do about women.  Sometimes the most simple or oddest things can really get me going.  I once had an infatuation with a dude who had a tat on his neck.  He wasn’t particularly cute but the dark, scripted ink was just sexy on his pretty brown skin.

Other things that do it for me…

Good kisses

I love to kiss.  I like to think it’s because I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18.  So up until then all I did was kiss and get rubbed down.  I can remember at the age of 14 kissing this dude and feeling instantly dizzy.  Then all of a sudden my panties were drenched.  It was like he put a hit of X on his tongue.

Cologne

It doesn’t really matter who you are or what you look like.  If your scent is that appealing to me, I will automatically think about what it’s like to have sex with you.  I am so spellbound by cologne that I have made it a point throughout my life to never buy dudes the same cologne that I have bought or smelled on someone else I have been with.

Polo

Yes, as in the clothing line.  There is nothing more salacious than seeing a dude in a nice Polo shirt. He can wear them with plaid shorts, some True Religion jeans, timbs or sneaks and I am automatically going to notice him.

Attitude

Being cocky (with good reason, of course) makes you instantly attractive.  Call it swag, charisma, your aura, whatever.  A dude who knows he is the shit just carries himself in a totally different way than the average dude.  He handles his business and will have you thinking he has everything under control, even if everything is falling apart.

Tattoos

Body art is just sensuous and beautiful to me.  It makes me want to strip you down and see what you have chosen to cover yourself with.

Intelligence

There is nothing worse than talking to a dude who has absolutely no worldly knowledge and  doesn’t now know how to express himself.  I can become infatuated with your mind just as easily as I can lust after your body. I like to learn new things, so tell me something I don’t already know.

My Effect on You

I used to make this dude’s bottom lip quiver.  Before we even became intimate.  It was just through conversations.  I made him nervous and I liked that.  Kinda like a power trip I guess.

Accents

New York or anywhere up top, Georgia, Cali, the UK…they’re all delectable to me.

I could really go on and on, but those are the main things that turn me on outside of the bedroom.  Inside of the bedroom is a totally different conversation…

WARNING: The following advertisement contains language that may cause you to feel embarrassed, angry, depressed or even suicidal.  If you experience any of these symptoms, please call 1-800-KICK-MY-ASS, to begin a program designed especially for you!  Visit a place where “We Beat You, Cause We Love You, and…Because No One Else Did!”

But, kid, I'm not your Dad!

Awww, you look so sad.   Say what, Gurl?  Your man’s family members always give you the side-eye whenever you show up at their BBQ’s?  That is a little crazy.  What did you do, donkey-kong a Granny or something?  What the hell?…they laugh at you whenever you ask him to do something for the kids?    Well, shiiit, he helped you make them!  Ain’t he too hood to have one of those types of families, I done seen his Momma whoop his grown ass a time or two.

Oh, those aren’t his kids?  Girl, stop playing I had no idea!  Wow.  No, no, no,  I’m just saying.  I mean…I guess I always assumed because your son is only 9 months, and him and the older baby girl do call him “Daddy”.  All ya’ll look alike & everything.  Plus, the way ya’ll argue, I thought ya’ll had been together for a minute, hahaha.  Uhuhh, don’t get mad at me, that was funny.

Oh, you met him six months ago and have been dating ever since?  Okay, well, that’s wassup.  If he’s taking care of ya’ll & providing for the kids, his family needs to chill..  Oh, he’s not working & he lives with ya’ll.  Mhm, I see.  Well, love will make you do somethings that people don’t understand…  Aiight, I’m sorry.  Didn’t mean to get it confused, I gotcha: you don’t “love him like that”.  But you do see yourself being with him for a minute right? If you don’t then why are letting them call him Daddy?  What about when ya’ll break up?  Aren’t you scared they’re going to miss him and all that?  A new one?!

Aww, come on, I know pulling a dude is easy for you, but that doesn’t mean they have to call all of them Daddy.  ..but, you’re raising your kids to learn that all dad’s do is leave.  No, that’s not true just because it happened to you, and don’t you want something better for them?  Nooo, actually, you didn’t turn out alright.  Look at what you’re doing now.  Uhuh, stop all that, I am your friend and all, but don’t snap on me the way you should snap on yourself.  You all defensive cause you know this ain’t right.  What the hell?!, first of all, ain’t nobody trying to tell you how to raise your kids…but you know what, maybe that’s the problem…

If you, or a loved one, is suffering from “Call Him Daddy” syndrome, please contact us immediately for help.  We guarantee that will we slap the shit out of (and the sense into) any woman that does not protect her children  from the perils of Dads “with restrictions”.

Please call 1-800-KICK-MY-ASS today!!!!!!

I knew it, I just fkn knew it.  I’m queefing folks!  First: eCigarettes…Now this: eCigars have been confirmed.  I knew they wouldn’t be far behind when I researched the YAYS & NAYS of eCigs a few weeks ago (no harmful additives, no second hand smoke, no odor…side effects still unknown, but at least cancer won’t be one).  This latest arrival confirms that some smart azz in China is inventing the marijuana cartridge right now as I type.  I mean, really, what else are cigars good for these days?

Picture me rolling: smoking the world’s greatest herb via an electronic device that eliminates the tell-tale smoke & smell (i.e., the 2 leading indicators of getting ganked by the local P.D.).  Hell, you can picture me doing just about anything:  smoke breaks at work would take on a whole new meaning, road trips with the kids would be hella less stressful, laughing in the face of security at the clubs (well, that’s not new but it would be even funnier!), and I would no longer have to wonder if my seat neighbor at Sunday morning service is just really focused on the Word, or grimacing at my pine-coney odor.

eCigrettes are currently being “investigated” by the FDA, blahblahblah, big tobacco companies are hating on the potential competition, blahblahblah, the government is secretly worried about potential loss in tax revenue, blahblahblah, drug companies are worried about a decline in cancer drug sales…meanwhile: they’re available for sale in local malls & gas stations in the hood (and in the very near future, my house!).

Hmmm, interesting: the government has halted new shipments, but has not seized the current supply.  Say whaaat?! Could it be that the government is in cahoots w/ tobacco companies to make sure these fun times are out-lawed –then revised & re-introduced per U.S. rules…I’m predicting that Big Tobacco will laugh all the way to the bank once the eCigs are carrying their brandmarks (currently made in China) & just to show you I’m not blowing smoke up your arse (that request line is now closed): Big Tobacco is already supporting the legislation to make it happen.  Now that’s pimpin’!

While ya’ll wait for the crumbs to settle, somebody pass me a peach cigarillo before they go extinct…

Women do a lot of complaining about never being able to find a perfect man, and ya know what?  There’s no such thing.  It doesn’t exist.  There’s always some important attribute or a multitude of attributes that are missing – either he’s too nice, too hood, not ambitious enough, the dick isn’t good, etc.  But we all know there is no perfect anything – no perfect job, no perfect friend, no perfect house, nothing.

But what if you could create the perfect man?  What kind of attributes would he have? What would he look like?

I would like to take this time to present to you MY perfect man, as it relates to rappers and singers.

In appearance Trey Songz is unsuspecting and adaptable, especially now that he has switched out the cornrows for a nice low cut.  He is the dude you can take home to meet your parents and they will love him.  He’ll oblige them with the proper “Yes sir.” formalities and the “Now I see where she gets her good looks from!” type witticisms.  You can take him anywhere and he will fit in perfectly, from the corporate crowd to the club scene. But that’s as nice as it gets cuz we all know Songz can get gangsta when necessary and what can be sexier than that?  Anyone recall him jumping off the stage at his own show to show a dude in the crowd that he was not to be fucked with??

You need Lil Wayne for his prowess.  He is easily one of the hardest working nigz out there.  Who else do you know that is dominating the radio, cd and mixtape scene?  How many songs can you name that he’s not a part of? He’s adding dudes to his arsenal left and right.  He is a true go-getter and you will never go hungry fuckin with him.  This is a definite attribute that is needed for the perfect man.

Plies has that hood appeal.  He is that nig that all the girls know they shouldn’t mess with but they just gotta have a piece of him.  He wears wife beaters and ridiculous gold chains and has that dope boy car that you want to drive.  He may not have a real 9-to-5 job but he is puttin in that work and if all else fails, he can hustle his way out of any situation.  And he’s also that dude that will fuck your back out.

When shit gets crazy in your life you need a dude who will run your bath water, throw some rose petals in there, undress you, light some candles, fix you a nice glass of wine, and sit next to you at the side of the tub as you unleash the madness of your day onto him.  This dude is Maxwell.  He knows all about a woman’s work.  He will soothe you with sensual melodies and make love to you “til the cops come knockin”

Juelz Santana is a cutie with dimples that I could swin in forever and he has that New York mentality and that’s a necessity.  New York dudes are quick thinkers and their approach is like no other.  It’s the confidence in them that commands attention and respect, and that accent – yaasssss!! And i realize that there’s an insatiable amount of rappers from New York but he just happens to one of the cutest

T.I. is clearly that nig that’s going to stay by your side and go to great lengths to protect what’s his.  And he’s that nig that you can come up with.  You both may have come into the situation with nothing, but in the end you will have “Whatever You Like.”  And that’s what makes a strong relationship – going through the grind together.

Nas is that cool dude that will keep you guessing and intrigued. He’s quiet and keeps to himself but when he speaks, you need to listen.   Burn a couple with this type of dude, and you will be talking for days on end about everything from nuclear wars to panda bears! You need a nig that’s gonna spit some knowledge to you, someone who is going to teach you about stuff you never knew about.

And lastly you need that nig with sex appeal.  Someone you want to stare at all day and fantisize about all night and Nelly is that dude.  He’s like a young L.L. Cool J -  nice lips, nice body, cute face and he’s a Scorpio! Do ya’ll know anything about Scorpios??? That may be another post idea!!

So what is your ideal combination for the perfect man???

Xilla (blogxilla.com) had an interesting post about a week ago presenting a few questions to the ladies: ‘What would you do if you had a penis for a day? Who would you do? Where would you go?’

Well most of the obvious responses were to fuck and get head.  I, myself have always wondered what it is about the puss that makes nigs go crazy.  I know it’s powerful but what does it really feel like to slide in and out, and to reach your peak?  While reading through the responses, I noticed that a lot of ladies didn’t answer the question, ‘Who would you do?’  I mean, you only have the dick for a day so you may as well be specific about who will be the lucky recipeint, yes?  Well, here are my picks:

1. Esther Baxter

2. Meagan Good

3. Lacey Duvalle

4. Megan Fox (the chick from Transformers)

5. Teyana Taylor

6. Any chick in Pin-Ups or Body Tap

7. Jessica White

8.Rihanna

I was talking to a co-worker one day and I told her that I had just gone to Fredrick’s of Hollywood to get some new gear to wear for my boo.  Her reply was rather shocking – she doesn’t bother getting sexy clothing because her body is not on point like she would like it to be.  She had been married for 5 years so I couldn’t understand the issue.  I told her he obviously loves you and your body, otherwise you wouldn’t still be married.  But it got me thinking about things we as ladies do to look our best pre-sex.  We primp our hair, throw on matching bras and panties, polish our nails, trim the bush… But what do we do during sex to continue the sexy look?

*And as a side note, if you’re putting out it really doesn’t matter to that nig what you look like, he’s just enjoying the fact that he’s gettin it ha

So here are some tips on looking sexy while having sex:

1.  The Lip Bite

Yours, not his.  This gives the look of immense enjoyment.  He’ll think he’s giving you the fuck of a lifetime, and if he actually is giving you the fuck of a lifetime, added bonus!

2.  Finger Licking/Sucking

Yours or his.  In his head he’s imagine his dick in ur mouth. Simple.

3.  Candles

One of my favorites.  You will look like a goddess, promise.  Your skin will be a nice golden brown, no matter what shade of brown you are and everything just looks perfect.  If you already look perfect, added bonus!

4.  The Boob Squeeze

This works for boobs of all sizes and shapes.  Just by the pressure of the squeeze you can make them look bigger, firmer, anything.  And nigs LOVE to see a woman touch themselves anywhere.

5.  Body Oil

Another fave of mine.  Couple this with the candles and you will be a porn star!  I am honestly unsure what the appeal of shiny bodies is, it just looks good.   But be careful what type of oil you choose.  I once bought Johnson’s Baby Oil Gel and the nig almost slid right off of me.  And it does not come off when you shower.

Ok, so take these tips with you for the weekend and feel free to share your own…

Cause I’ll pull down a cloud for you.  I’ll circle the stars and bring you one back. I’ll walk through the sun for you.  Cause there’s something you go that got me walkin on the moon.

Man, if you haven’t gone out and bought The-Dream’s newest cd, Love Vs. Money do yourself a favor and go get it now.  He is a genius, lyrically and otherwise.  I love how his lyrics are so poetic when they’re put on paper, but when they’re put to music they glide effortlessly over the beat.

In my 30 years of existence, I have only had 2 ‘real’ jobs but both of these jobs have afforded me the opportunity of meeting some very interesting characters.  I found myself befriending mostly the older women…well shit, most of them were older women or either young horny azz dudes so I didn’t have much choice.  I ended up befriending a lot of the older women because I foolishly thought that with wisdom comes age and I could learn so much from them.  HA!  I soon learned that this is not the case.  Older people in general love to give advice to the younger generation and though I have heard my fair share of true gems, I have also been beaten in the head with pure bullshit.  So here goes my list of the worst bits of advice I have ever received… (names have been changed to protect the ignorant)

1.   ‘Cynthia’ is what I like to refer to as an “accidental whore.”  She doesn’t mean to sleep with every dick that comes her way.  She just seriously thinks that she likes/loves all these men very quickly.  Instead of her giving me love advice, at the age of 22 I was giving this 33-year old life advice.  She said to me:

“Always have sex with a guy as soon as you meet him.  That way you can get the sexual tension out of the way and get to know each other.”

No lie.  Eight years later, I am happily married and ‘Cynthia’ is still sleeping with many, many men.

2.  ‘Violet’ was way older than me, in her mid-50’s.  She was in a marriage of convenience for over 25 years.  Her husband cheated on her BEFORE they got married, with her best friend and they had not had sex for like 10 years.  She was always telling me she was just there for the money, and how she couldn’t even stand to look at him and never bring your girlfriends around your man.  Her advice to me:

“Never go out of the house looking a hot mess.  Always have your hair done and wear nice clothes.  Otherwise, you will lose your man.”

Now while I don’t completely disagree with this (I am a girly girl and like to look presentable regardless of a man or not) I can not honestly take marriage advice from a woman who has not been fucked in 10 years.  ‘Violet’ never wore the same outfit twice, got her hair done once a week and yet she lost her husband before he even became her damn husband.

3. Come to think of it, ‘Violet’ gave me a lot of fucked up advice.  She also said to me:

“Baby girl, now that you are married and have kids, you should no longer go out, especially with any single people, especially out to clubs.”

THE FUCK??? I actually met my hubby at a club and we happen to go together all the time.  What am I supposed to do?  Sit at the house and watch reruns of Martin? I love to go out!  Especially to clubs and especially with my single friends. Pshh

4.  ‘Patricia’ was cool, I just didn’t really get her all the time.  She went through a lot of shit in her younger life and turned her life over to God, yet she understood what it was like to be young.  She was almost bitter towards men all the while wanting to be with a man.  I swear she was getting married to some man she met online like every other month.  Her advice to me was:

“Make sure you marry a man who loves you more than you love him.”

HUH?  That doesn’t even make sense to me.  I can understand not throwing yourself at a man, but can you really gauge who loves who more?  I always assumed she meant that if a man loves you more than you love him, there is no way he can hurt you or play you.  But who wants to be in a serious relationship with someone you only kinda like?

I guess it’s all pretty ironic to me because these are the individuals that need the most help.  It’s not as if I came to them with any problems I was having.  They just assumed since I was young I was inexperienced in the ways of life and love.  And true enough, I have lots to learn but thank God I adhere to the best piece of advice I have ever received:

“Keep people out of your personal affairs.”

Simple, yet effective!

I’m not usually one to go around reciting tired, old cliches but I think the appropriate one for this situation is

People come into your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime

Pleasure P. must have known his season was closing in on him and released himself from the debacle known as Pretty Ricky.  While he has kept himself busy making cameos in videos, being featured on radio hits, and having a radio hit of his own his former cohort apparently has to resort to measures such as this.  And this challenge is just wrong on many levels.

For one, I didn’t realize you could challenge another man to a dance-off that includes wearing red panties and rolling your body round and round and round.  And did anyone notice that he called out Bow Wow and Trey Songz?  They don’t even dance!

Secondly, it’s just not appealing to me and as I was trolling the internet a lot of women are actually turned off.  I read a comment by a man wondering why the women were in such an uproar since it’s no different than watching a male stripper.  And herein lies the third issue – male strippers are just not sexy.  There is nothing more gay than watching a man slither on stage in speedos, licking his lips and stuffing his manhood into a nylon sock.  No, thank you.

Lastly, where are the other members of Pretty Ricky?  I thought they were all ‘dancers.’  He probably knew he was wrong for doing this and he knew they wouldn’t approve.

Meanwhile, Pleasure P. is gaining recognition for being an entertainer and is further distancing himself from these ass-clowns.  Wasn’t he always the most talented or most recognizable one from the group anyway???

So J.D. decided to forever love his lady by having not her name, but her entire image permanently inked on his body.  Sweet gesture indeed, but I tend to frown upon sentiments such as this.   It’s almost like a jinx to me – kinda like when a couple is together for 10 years and they finally decide to legalize it and then turn around and get a divorce 3 months later.  I’m kinda cautious when it comes to displays of affection.  I once was in love (or at the time what I considered to be love) with this guy and soon after graduating college I got an office job and after much debate, I decided to put this dude’s picture up on my cubicle wall. LO AND BEHOLD, not 2 days later, we had viciously broken up.  Never mind the fact that he was seeing someone else who happened to call me and question me about our relationship while I was at work.  I was strongly convinced that by putting his picture up and indirectly announcing to the world that he was my guy, I had left myself open to the evil rules of dating and hence the love of my life (at the time) was gone.  So even to this day, I have not put anymore of my boyfriend’s pics up.  Seriously – I have been married for 4 years and no one at work even knew what he looked like.  So at any rate, if you do happen to ink someone’s name or image on your body, here are a few good acceptable reasons for doing so…

1.  The person is deceased – there is no way to debate anyone about this one right here.  This is done out of love and respect

2. The person is your child or parent – you really can’t debate this one either.  Your child or parent can’t divorce you or break up with you.  You two are forever stuck together.  The only thing about this is that you have to think about future kids.  You don’t want to end up like Faith Evans and have to just keep putting name after name one under the other.  You will end up looking like you’re toting  a grocery list on your body.

3. You have been with this person for 20+ years – I mean, if you and your significant other are at this stage in the game, then go at it.  You may be old and wrinkled at this point, but at least if y’all break up after the 20-mile marker you should have some damn good stories to tell about it!

4.  The person also gets your name/image inked on them as well- this way you can both go through life in a total state of awkwardness.

My personal suggestion – play it safe by only getting that person’s initials or maybe even their astrological sign or something.  That way, if things go awry you can always claim that you have a sincere love of crabs and fish (heh heh) or that the initials ‘B.J.’ really stand for…umm ‘blowjob?’  EH

images courtesy of that grape juice and global14

To see what else is going on around the world, click the links…

China’s first sex theme park…WOOO!…The Guardian

Tyra self-centered? Nooo…Access Hollywood

The Village Voice rates Cam’ron’s Crime Pays…The Village Voice

Tune in for The Game season finale tonight…The CW TV

Wanda Sykes and wife have twins…Seattle PI

Oprah’s grad speech at Duke University…Oprah.com

When I first heard the news of the tour, Jay-Z was the only one mentioned and I was elated.   I have watched over and over again most of his tours on tv; Backstage, Fade to Black, Unplugged… and was excited about the prospect of finally seeing him perform live.  When I heard that it would be at Chastain Park, I thought “damn, even better!”  If you’re not from Atlanta, Chastain Park is a venue where you can bring in your own food and drinks.  So of course what could be better than watching Jay perform while getting tipsy and also satisfying my munchies.  Then they announced that they would not be allowing anyone to bring in food or beverages.  Bummer #1.  Also, it is open to all ages.  Bummer #2 because who wants to see a bunch of kids running around at a damn concert.  Then I found out why it was open to all ages – Ciara is also on the tour.  She’s definitley a performer but I don’t get why they put the two of them together on a tour.  Now I’m wondering what the catalog will be like and how young the audience will be.  But all in all, it is indeed Jay-Z and this may be on the few times we’ll get to see his old azz perform live so let’s all go, yes? Bookmark the date, July 12 at 7:30 p.m.

Tickets range from $53-$128

Visit here for more ticket information:

Live Nation – Jay-Z/Ciara Tour

Future Cheesecake Factory applicants

Aaaaaaahyes, spring brings college graduation…

As you roll out of bed, carefully stepping over your vomit-covered capngown, being careful not to knock over the liquor store boxes (filled to the brim with mementos of your transition from being youngdumbandfullofcum to now being youngdumbandfullofdebt), let me be the first to welcome you to the Recession.  Unless you majored in Selling Anything For Profit,  Everyday Hustling, or Traponomics, then you might just want to clean up last night’s chunks a little slower…it may prove to be more fun & exciting than actually job hunting stalking here in the Ay!

So, before you go shoving your fancy ass gold-plated class ring in the faces of everyone with two eyes, spamming your resume on Monster,  or registering with countless temp agencies: remember that as long as you graduated at the top of your class you can always get a job as a waiter at Cheesecake Factory!  Be sure to tell em Kanye sent ya!

Now, if you were hired by a company before you graduated (skrrrrt!…I know, I know, I’m sorry, I take it back…that shit only happens in the movies).

But seriously, what really separates college degree carriers from the rest of the population is that they had to go to school to understand that the only way to succeed is to be an entrepreneur.  BWAH! HA! HA!

If you just graduated, and have no immediate plans to open a Strip Club Tire Shop (what?…you didn’t know that tittays and rims are recession proof?) then the best thing smoking for you is grabbing your share of Obama’s educational stimulus package and going back to school..while the best thing for me is just grabbing his package).

(Now go brush your teeth, you still have chunks on your chin!)

Georgia in need of corrections is more like it...

Let’s see…Tyler Perry opened his production studio here; we have upscale work/live/play developments where “living green” is the new rage, and we all know that ish spread from the West; our homeless population may soon rival those with actual homes as well (just keep watching those foreclosure numbers); our dope boys are now the last to feel a drought since the Mexican Papis are regularly running thru the A (rather than face the “Militias” along the southern borders), we host a certain beautiful, black Madam frontin’ as a B-list movie actress…and finally, rounding out the picture after years of hide-and-seek: constant, unabashed police brutality. APD: stand up and give yourself a round of applause, whooooo!! Thanks to you, we are well on our way to becoming an international city with a washed up actor as governor (Chris Tucker 2019!!!). Let’s celebrate your latest accomplishment:

Officer Reginald Fisher was working security at his side hustle for an apartment complex when he noticed a YBM (Tremaine Miller, 28) driving a Charger on chrome. Obviously, this officer does not drive a Charger on chrome (or anything even close) b/c he immediately thought Miller was suspicious (and by suspicious, we know he really means “stuntin harder than me”). Now that off-duty Officer Fisher is in full hate-on-a-nicca mode, he approaches the car…with…his…gun…drawn.

According to Lt. Meadows, when Fisher approached the car, Miller reached under the seat, and Fisher shot him in the face. No orders shouted, no disabling of the tires, no warning shots: just started busting on the man. Other APD officials have a version of the story that includes Miller running to the car and reaching under the seat prior to being shot in the face. If this were true, wouldn’t the shots have been in the back of the legs since the officer would have shot low to prevent him from making it to the car?

And then of course, there are the Witnesses on the scene and their version…Miller put his hands in the air as Fisher instructed. Aaand thennn was shot in the face. Oh, before I forget this minor detail: Miller’s father says that Miller was at the apartment complex visiting his elderly, paraplegic Aunt, in an attempt to deliver her medication. Sigh.  Miller went into surgery this am to have a bullet removed from jaw.

Katherine Johnston (R.I.P.) has to be giving Jesus an earful on this one. Once this case is set for trial, almost-former Officer Fisher can expect to have a foreign object or 3 removed from his jaw as well, muuuaaahahahaha!

On the bright side, if we are going to be the new LA at least we can look forward to legalization.