Future Cheesecake Factory applicants

Aaaaaaahyes, spring brings college graduation…

As you roll out of bed, carefully stepping over your vomit-covered capngown, being careful not to knock over the liquor store boxes (filled to the brim with mementos of your transition from being youngdumbandfullofcum to now being youngdumbandfullofdebt), let me be the first to welcome you to the Recession.  Unless you majored in Selling Anything For Profit,  Everyday Hustling, or Traponomics, then you might just want to clean up last night’s chunks a little slower…it may prove to be more fun & exciting than actually job hunting stalking here in the Ay!

So, before you go shoving your fancy ass gold-plated class ring in the faces of everyone with two eyes, spamming your resume on Monster,  or registering with countless temp agencies: remember that as long as you graduated at the top of your class you can always get a job as a waiter at Cheesecake Factory!  Be sure to tell em Kanye sent ya!

Now, if you were hired by a company before you graduated (skrrrrt!…I know, I know, I’m sorry, I take it back…that shit only happens in the movies).

But seriously, what really separates college degree carriers from the rest of the population is that they had to go to school to understand that the only way to succeed is to be an entrepreneur.  BWAH! HA! HA!

If you just graduated, and have no immediate plans to open a Strip Club Tire Shop (what?…you didn’t know that tittays and rims are recession proof?) then the best thing smoking for you is grabbing your share of Obama’s educational stimulus package and going back to school..while the best thing for me is just grabbing his package).

(Now go brush your teeth, you still have chunks on your chin!)