In my 30 years of existence, I have only had 2 ‘real’ jobs but both of these jobs have afforded me the opportunity of meeting some very interesting characters.  I found myself befriending mostly the older women…well shit, most of them were older women or either young horny azz dudes so I didn’t have much choice.  I ended up befriending a lot of the older women because I foolishly thought that with wisdom comes age and I could learn so much from them.  HA!  I soon learned that this is not the case.  Older people in general love to give advice to the younger generation and though I have heard my fair share of true gems, I have also been beaten in the head with pure bullshit.  So here goes my list of the worst bits of advice I have ever received… (names have been changed to protect the ignorant)

1.   ‘Cynthia’ is what I like to refer to as an “accidental whore.”  She doesn’t mean to sleep with every dick that comes her way.  She just seriously thinks that she likes/loves all these men very quickly.  Instead of her giving me love advice, at the age of 22 I was giving this 33-year old life advice.  She said to me:

“Always have sex with a guy as soon as you meet him.  That way you can get the sexual tension out of the way and get to know each other.”

No lie.  Eight years later, I am happily married and ‘Cynthia’ is still sleeping with many, many men.

2.  ‘Violet’ was way older than me, in her mid-50’s.  She was in a marriage of convenience for over 25 years.  Her husband cheated on her BEFORE they got married, with her best friend and they had not had sex for like 10 years.  She was always telling me she was just there for the money, and how she couldn’t even stand to look at him and never bring your girlfriends around your man.  Her advice to me:

“Never go out of the house looking a hot mess.  Always have your hair done and wear nice clothes.  Otherwise, you will lose your man.”

Now while I don’t completely disagree with this (I am a girly girl and like to look presentable regardless of a man or not) I can not honestly take marriage advice from a woman who has not been fucked in 10 years.  ‘Violet’ never wore the same outfit twice, got her hair done once a week and yet she lost her husband before he even became her damn husband.

3. Come to think of it, ‘Violet’ gave me a lot of fucked up advice.  She also said to me:

“Baby girl, now that you are married and have kids, you should no longer go out, especially with any single people, especially out to clubs.”

THE FUCK??? I actually met my hubby at a club and we happen to go together all the time.  What am I supposed to do?  Sit at the house and watch reruns of Martin? I love to go out!  Especially to clubs and especially with my single friends. Pshh

4.  ‘Patricia’ was cool, I just didn’t really get her all the time.  She went through a lot of shit in her younger life and turned her life over to God, yet she understood what it was like to be young.  She was almost bitter towards men all the while wanting to be with a man.  I swear she was getting married to some man she met online like every other month.  Her advice to me was:

“Make sure you marry a man who loves you more than you love him.”

HUH?  That doesn’t even make sense to me.  I can understand not throwing yourself at a man, but can you really gauge who loves who more?  I always assumed she meant that if a man loves you more than you love him, there is no way he can hurt you or play you.  But who wants to be in a serious relationship with someone you only kinda like?

I guess it’s all pretty ironic to me because these are the individuals that need the most help.  It’s not as if I came to them with any problems I was having.  They just assumed since I was young I was inexperienced in the ways of life and love.  And true enough, I have lots to learn but thank God I adhere to the best piece of advice I have ever received:

“Keep people out of your personal affairs.”

Simple, yet effective!