Teresa Guidice, 2nd from left

As a fan of all “sweet-tooth cute” things for little girls, I was overly excited when I saw the blurb announcing a new line by Teresa Guidice (the New Jersey Housewife with 3 cute lil girls).   True:  she overkills their outfits with accessories & oversized flower-power headbands, but I held out hope that she would have some  pieces that could be really cute if not worn all at the same time. Expecting ruffly pink, yellow and purple Swarovski covered polka dots and stripes, I clicked the link, waited to behold the next toddler Fashion Revolution.

I was in NO way prepared for what my baby browns were about to behold:

Aneurysm inducing fonts: CHECK!; Medusa wig piece: CHECK!; A cakey-faced-overly-eye lined picture of Teresa: CHECK!; Menu titles that scream “really, really now, is this the best we can do?”: CHECK!

My eyes, overcome by such unexpected fugliness and risking full onset of sudden blindness, began to squint in revolt and I was forced to view the rest of the site via the bottom 1/2 of my right eye.  So here, just for you, my

Right Eye Report:

“Bow-tique” Gallery: here, you’ll find the flowers that time ripped from your grandmother’s fake windowsill display, adorned with the either faux bear-rug fur or the faux stones missing from your Jem! doll.  You’ll also discover bows demonstrating what Teresa did with last year’s X-rated Flintstone costume collection.

“Bling-bling” Gallery:  I squinted a little harder in preparation and thank fat Jesus I did for only He had the power to keep me from choking to death via mid-throat coffee.  The glowing aura that emanated from my screen must have been caused by the toxic, recalled, made-in-China paint with which the bling is completely covered (under it, pliable concrete).  I’ve seen toys from quarter machines  and birthday party gift bags in the hood with better swag than this.

“FAB-fashion” Gallery: Don’t let those little words fool you.  Neither fab nor fashion lives here. More importantly: the Right Eye spies a swagger jacking of Kimora’s Fabulosity empire. SMACKDOWN BITCHES!  Since Kimora is cooling it in new-baby mode, she’ll probably send in Aoki to wipe-up this H.A.M.  Shouldn’t take long to destroy eight t-shirts…

“FAB-caps” Gallery: As a stilettos-everyday-no-matter-what type, I know that “fab” and “caps” neverevereverevereverever belong in a sentence together, unless you’re talking about opposites.  So, in this case, it is correctly used: the caps are the opposite of fab.  By now, I’m just pissed that I watched her spend $40k+ on 2 pieces of furniture and have seen $0 or any effort spent on this “Fukulicious” atrocity.

As I cursed myself for possible permanent damage caused to my retinas , I realized that this project must mean something really special to her. Craving clarification (read: to confirm that this was not an elaborate hoax), I clicked the “About Us” link.  The look on these faces explain everything! Those are the faces of kids that sleep with one eye open, you know she’s sneaking in at 3:00 a.m. to touch-up their SleepyTime LipGloss and re-adjust them into the fetal position, which every proper nutcase mother knows is the only proper sleeping position!!!